Fung Tsz Kei Michelle

The Unpleasant Surprise

The phone rang. “Hello," I said. No one was there. I hung up. All the lights went out… “Hello…?” I said. I picked up my bat, walked around cautiously. “You are a woman with a bat! I just had two cups of coffee. Let's dance!” I shouted. I suddenly felt a cool breeze, the house was cold and quiet…

I quickly ran to my parent’s room, but no one was there… “Ding! Dong! Ding! Dong!” The doorbell rang. I opened the door and peered outside, but no one was there. Something didn’t feel right. What happened to the busy crowded street every night? I turned back and “BANG!!” I was hit in the head with a bat and I fell onto the floor, unconscious… I was driven to a mysterious place tied up and blindfolded… “Creak… creak…” the ceiling creaked. “Drip, drip, drip, drop” water slowly ran down the floor. Then, I heard footsteps walking towards me. “Thud, Thud” I could tell the person was wearing heavy boots…

“Hello, Cassie… How are you doing so far?” an oddly familiar voice spoke. “How do you know my name? Why do you have to kidnap me here…” I said. “I know about everything about you, Cass. Just be a good girl and stay here so I don’t have to harm you, sweetie.” Sweetie? I thought. How does this person know about me? And why does this person sound so familiar? My brain was filled with questions. But then I did what the person said and waited, waited and waited.

A strong smell ran into my nose as if it was alcohol or bleach. I opened my eyes and I found out that I was at the hospital. My parents were there. “Cassie! Did you know you were sleepwalking and you went unconscious on the road? Thank goodness your dad found you!” Mom said. “Sleepwalking? Wasn’t I kidnapped?” “Of course not kiddo. When I found you, you were sleeping like a baby!” “But wasn’t I unconscious?” “Why don’t we discuss things later, the most important thing is that you are okay now.” And so like that, everything was normal again.

A few weeks later, dad was drove me to visit my Aunt Helena. When we arrived, I felt like everything was familiar. “Creak… creak!” When I walked in, the ceiling was creaking. “Drip, drip, drip, drop” water was slowly running down. Next, I heard the heavy footsteps behind me. “Dad, aren’t we-UGH!!” The moment I realised, it was too late. I held my hands on my chest that has been stabbed. The smell of fresh, juicy blood filled up the place as I feel my soul slipping away…

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Teacher's comment:

Wow! What a well-written story filled with suspense! You did a wonderful job making me feel there at that very moment. I could hear and feel the environment, especially when it started creaking.
I also did not expect such an endcap. Definitely surprised me, scared me and kept me at the end of my seat.
Well done, Michelle.